Ayumi

....

Sun, 03 May 2009 11:42:28 GMT

so I've been thinking... (don't go uh-oh every time I say that!! I do think... sometimes... :D)

someone up there must reaaaaally love me.... (at first I thought they might hate me cause they don't want me there, but then I guess hate is a forbidden feeling "up there" and either way, when I die, I don't think I'll be going "up there" if there really is an "up there") ... if I take into account all the times I could've died (stupidly, like falling off a chair and hitting my head on the tv table, not to mention that getting killed in a car accident, crossing the street, is something very common in this country) or caused permanent damage to myself...

so I guess someone really loves me or has big plans for me so.... what are these plans? why am I still here? what's my purpose on this planet?

Letter to Aki ^____^

Sun, 03 May 2009 11:15:00 GMT

Wednesday, April 29

Okay… I’m calm now… I just ate 2 snitzel sandwiches and I got my coffee cup filled (don’t even dare!) so I can make myself comfortable in my bed and start writing ^___^

See? This is exactly why I hate leaving my house… every time I go on the streets, I risk losing nerves… >.< stupid drivers, stupid stoplights… >.< I went to my sister’s just to find out that she and her husband are in a stupid fight over who took the kid to the kindergarten more times… >.< and then I went to the library… unfortunately, this time I didn’t borrow any Stephen King book… though I really wanted to read Lisey’s Story, but he lost to Salman Rushdie and Harry Potter ^__^ and I took the minibus home and the only thing I kept repeating in my mind was please let me make it home alive! >.< Crazy idiotic driver!!!!! I think he’s seen The Fast and the Furious way too many times… (oh yeah! I really liked The Fast and the Furious 4! Though it seemed too similar to the second one…. =___= either way, I enjoyed it ^____^)

*sigh*

anyways… you know you wrote that thing on your CR profile about “online friends” and “friendships” and stuff? Well I copypasted it (yeah I’m making up words now…) into a Word document and saved it in order to reply to it someday but I can’t find it… T.T

but I guess your main point was that everything and everyone’s fake… you can’t trust anyone you can only meet online and that you can’t build a friendship based on the www.

Uh… now my mind’s a blur… I forgot what I wanted to say… I guess it’s just that… “real life” relationships are just as overrated as the online ones are underrated… it’s sometimes easier to confide in someone you don’t know and that you know you may never meet. I learned the hard way that everything must come to an end and it always does… it’s easier to make online friends, cause no matter how well you get to know each other, the separation is not as hard as with a real life friend… being betrayed or abandoned by someone who you thought was your best friend, someone in whom you completely believed, is so damn painful… I still dream about her from time to time… I dream that she’s back… that she wants us to be close again… I dream that she’s a few meters away from me but I can never see her face… I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing… she appeared online a few days ago so I guess she’s still alive… and that’s all I know…

I’ve been used and taken advantage of and betrayed and abandoned by “friends” so many times that I had decided at one point not to let myself believe in anyone ever again. Not to open myself to anyone, not to trust anyone… but I don’t want to be like them… so I will continue to offer my friendship and all the feelings that come along with it to anyone who will accept them ^___^ I guess those silly internet quizzes aren’t that silly after all… I really am an idealist. I don’t expect people to change for the better and I don’t expect to make any difference by being true to how I think and feel, but as they say… prepare for the worst, expect for the best, so I will keep on hoping and believing that maybe there is someone out there who is really worth the time and effort ^____^ remember Nida? Or Hime… or Ocho… Ojou-chan as you called her… as far as I remember… she was a handful… she’s more complicated and twisted than I am, and still… I refused to let go… I believed in her and I still do. I believe that she can get over all she’s been through and that she’ll make it just fine. ^___^

I guess I can be just like that guy from South Korea who was standing in the street with a sign that said “Free Hugs” (some kids – oh well, adolescents – did that in my town too… ^___^) and keep my arms open for whoever needs a hug… may it be virtual or real.. ^___^

"Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde"

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 23:26:36 GMT

"Konbanwa Tsumori-san!"

"Sayuri-san? What's wrong? It's the middle of night!"

"I'm sorry... could we move tomorrow's session to.... now?"

"I guess we could... I'm awake anyway... so tell me... what happened now?"

"Just thought it may be easier to have a therapy session when there's actually a need for one... "

"Go on... I'm listening.."

"I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... only that I don't change physically... it doesn't last that long... but I guess it has the same psychological consequences..."

"So which one are you tonight? Jekyll or Hyde?"

"I'm still Sayuri... that's probably the problem... I'm not the result of an experiment... I hate this split personality thing... I hate being happy and confident one moment and crumbling down the next... one moment I'm ecstatic and make everyone laugh and the next I feel like sitting in a corner... "

"Doesn't this make life more exciting? You hate monotony so this is definitely bringing a dose of unpredictability that you would never throw away"

"But I'm tired.... I don't know which one's the real me... I feel like I'm faking... trying so hard to adjust... can't it be one way or the other? All it takes is a few notes... from a song... a photo... or words... a mean remark... and it's like someone pulls the trigger and I automatically close up.... I think of all the things I've missed... everything that went wrong... I become so vulnerable and the only thing I crave for is someone to hold me, understand me and not judge me... I'm always able to bring myself back up.... act like nothing happened... but it's wearing me out..."

"Tsumori-san? Tsumori-san?!"

"Eh? What? Sorry... I was just resting my eyes for a bit..."

21

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:56:32 GMT

6:10 pm..... I'm officially 21 now....
just finished shopping with my sis, brother-in-law and nephew...
now what? should I go home? what or who's waiting for me there?
I'm walking around in the neighborhood... I'm hungry and desperately looking for a fast food... I've been craving for a sandwich the whole day....
I finally buy one and head back home...
dad's sleeping.... nii-san left a while ago...
I go to my room, change clothes, reheat the sandwich and look for a candle... I go back to my room, stick the candle into the sandwich, light it up and sing "happy birthday"... I though of "going Taiwanese" this time and make 3 wishes instead of one... I always want more than I can have.. suddenly, a tear rolls down my face... I blow the candle and start eating...

anniversaries were never a big deal in my family... I was even surprised my dad said happy birthday when I went into the kitchen this morning...
but that's ok.... I don't need parties, gifts or cakes.... all the wishes and messages from my buddies (some I hadn't even expected) were far better than that...

people always ask me "so how do you feel now that you're ... ?" seriously now... do you honestly feel different when you're celebrating your birthday? I don't... if they ask me "how does it feel to be 21?" I'll just answer "I'll tell you when I turn 22".

oh well.... just an ordinary day... ^___^

p.s.: see Aki-chan? I finally wrote something... ^__^

story of my life....

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:51:24 GMT

hey.. it's me... don't know how to start this... if I start with a happy post, I'll most likely finish it in a miserable mood...
so I'll do it the other way around...
since I do not want to go through all that pain all over again, I will post the exact thing that I sent to my CR brother, Robert, a.k.a. Aki-chan... and I want him to know that I am extremely grateful for everything he's done for me and that I'll be his Nee-san for as long as there will be internet.. ^_^ (and I'm pretty sure the sun will die out before the internet does...)

here it goes...

"oh boy... how do I start this....
I had the perfect family... loving... united.... cared for each other and helped each other... it was perfect... though at the time I didn't realize that....
and then it happened... my mom died when I was 11... 5 days after my birthday... flu... got sick... got checked into the hospital... died within 3 days... the virus had attacked the heart muscle... doctors said they had never seen anything like that...
never went to see her at the hospital... though I guess that was for the better... cause this way I can remember her as the lively, loving, happy woman that she was.... instead of remembering her lying on a hospital bed...
never got a chance to say goodbye.... to tell I love her... according to my cousin, before she was taken to the hospital, I was upset cause she was feeling too sick to make me a birthday cake...
and people say "well at least you were old and you can remember her...." but I can't.... I can't remember her voice... her smell... I just remember her always smiling face...
my most precious memory of her is going to my parents' bedroom every Sunday morning and jump into their bed in the middle... and stay there and giggle and laugh.... and then my dad would go and make breakfast and I'd remain in bed with my mom and I'd just cuddle in her arms....
and I can remember her at a dance festivity sitting at the balcony and waving my favorite stuffed animal (a little green dog with only one eye :D) down at me cause I had asked her to... I still have that on video tape...
it was so sudden... she had me when she was 38 and I doubt they wanted a 3rd kid so late... still...she would've moved mountains for me....
it's been 10 years and it still feels like yesterday... the phone call from the nurse at 6 a.m.... my brother screaming...(he answered the phone) my dad crying... my sister was at work... she suffered 5 heart attacks...the 6th one was fatal...
I still wonder every day what my life would be like if she were still here...I miss her so much...:("

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